“Recommendations: don’t end up stranded!”

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I have an addendum that I would like to include in the next version of Bolivia: Lonely Planet (BLP). This addendum will consist of the small, yet very important things one should know when traveling around Bolivia. Let’s call it “Recommendations—don’t end up stranded!”

All of the information that BLP provides is important. But if you’ve never traveled in rural areas of Bolivia, you just aren’t prepared for the bullshit you will encounter when on the road. There are also important nuances to traveling here that make a huge difference in your potential experience. For instance, often BLP has a section in the back of the book where you can learn helpful Spanish phrases like “How much does this cost?” or “Where is the nearest bathroom.” In my addendum, along with learning these phrases, I would suggest the following changes:

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 “How much does this cost?...No, I will not pay that. I want it for half”: Why? Because if you look white, they are going to charge you double automatically and you need to combat this discrimination and unfair treatment at all times.

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 “Where is the nearest bathroom private bush?”: Why? Because let’s keep it real, if you’re traveling between destinations, the bus will stop for a break, but you will have to pee outside somewhere. There are no truck stops, rest stops, or even McDonalds’...hard to believe, I know, that’s just crazy talk.

Even within entire communities may not be bathrooms. Case in point. I was traveling for work between two municipalities and had to stay the night in a community called Kami. This community (they are called communities, not towns for some reason) is a mining town and is built on a mountainside, but it’s one of the larger communities I’ve visited for work—I would say close to 500 people live there. As we drive into the town I see satellite dishes on roofs and motorcycles, cars, etc…so I’m thinking, well, at least if we stay the night here, we should have the basics. We find a place, but the asshole owner makes us wait outside of his “lodging” house for 2 hours and while I was waiting, I realized that I needed to do my business and it was getting dark, so if he didn’t show up soon then I was in trouble. I got out of the car and asked a woman standing by where I might be able to find a bathroom. She says, and I quote, “We don’t have bathrooms here…but you can go over there behind those houses…” Ugh…ok…can you tell me where I can find a private place? Response, “hmmm…do you have a blanket?” What the hell?! What’s a blanket gonna do? Hide my glowing white ass from all the people? I’m still popping a squat behind someone’s house!?

Realizing that this lodging place may not have a toilet either, I muster up the courage and walk behind the houses. This was basically like walking into a large toilet…but with animals and people nearby! Pigs to my left (probably eating other people’s shit), people down the hill probably doing the same thing as me, a house above me, another community below me, and under my feet all kinds of garbage—including pink toilet paper. The most awesome part of this experience was having the epiphany that the mud I was walking though was probably a mixture of urine and feces. Let’s also add into the equation that it’s on the side of the mountain, so if I slip and fall, either while squatting or walking to find a private place, I’m landing in shit. It took me 15 minutes to find a the perfectly spaced bushes to hide me—I’ve never felt like I could relate to a dog taking a walk before, sniffing for the right spot and doing circles around it, but unfortunately, I think I can now. And now I can honestly say that I have pooped in someone’s backyard and it was not pleasant.

Following this story, my first and most important recommendation would be that you should ALWAYS carry TP with you. I would even suggest baby-wipes, because you often don’t know where you’ll have to pee or poop, or when your next shower will happen. And when you’re pooping outside with pigs nearby…oh, and people…you’re not too concerned about how clean your ass is. So you might want to hook yourself up later with what I like to call a baby-wipe-wipe-down.

When you arrive to your tourist destination, you should also keep your expectations fairly low. In addition to several rolls of toilet paper, you should also bring your own soap, towel, bottled water, and maybe even a pillow and sleeping bag because you may not want to put your head on the pillows they provide…Also, if they happen to give you a towel, it will probably be a tiny hand towel that doesn’t cover your ass.

Electricity and water is only an optional amenity in hotels. At the last hotel I stayed in at Toro Toro (which was the “best” hotel in town) if more than 2 people showered at once (there were 20 of us) the electricity in the entire building went out (have I written about the showers that heat water by electric showerheads??? If not, it's very common, and by far the dumbest design in history). The shower had no curtain and there was a constant leaking from the ELECTRIC showerhead so that it splashed on the shower floor, then spraying water onto bathroom floor. When you walked into the bathroom with socks on your feet got wet and if you had shoes on, then had a muddy mess. Needless to say, I loved taking my cold shower wearing my sandals and drying myself with the micro-crap-towel.

If you are a tourist and traveling alone, such is usually my case, you can also expect that you will be grouped with other foreigners and expected to make instant friends with them…because the Bolivians won’t befriend you easy. The greatest part of being grouped with other foreigners are the awkward moments, for example, when you see a 75 year-old Italian woman in her underwear or when the only common language you speak is Spanish and you’re trying to teach each other a card game (because it’s the only thing you can do with candle light before dinner) and you don’t know how to say flush, straight, Jack, Ace, or any of those words we would use to teach rummy, gin, etc. Hilarious. Really. I’m still laughing just thinking about it.

Lastly, no one gives a rat’s ass about “customer service.” For instance, should you have a hole in the ceiling of your hotel room and it was leaking all night, the anticipated response from the owner might be “oh yes, unfortunately it rained last night.” Never mind that there’s a HOLE in their roof, but clearly the weather is actually the problem here. Oh and “but sir, we didn’t have water in our bathroom for 24 hours…” “yes, well it was broken” Well, thank you Capitan Obvio, but the point is that I couldn’t shower, brush my teeth, or flush my toilet for a full day and I was sharing that toilet with 9 people, of which all of us paid you for a functioning hotel room. P.s., the owner doesn’t give a shit because he already has your money and you ain’t gettin’ nothin’ back!

You might think that this is happening because I have chosen to travel cheaply or that I’m back-packing through exotic places. No, this is the reality of traveling through Bolivia—even in the locations considered major tourist sites. If it you aren’t going to be in a major city, or flying on a plane between major destinations, you don’t really know what you can expect. So when I say “don’t end up stranded” I’m referring to things: don’t be stranded without a towel, without toilet paper, without water, and most of all without a clue.